Two weeks from tomorrow ArmadilloCon kicks off*, starting with the Writers' Workshop. I'm really excited. This is my second year on the teachers' side of things for the Workshop, and even having done it before, I'm rather nervous about it.
When it comes down to it, part of that stems from Imposter Syndrome. My status as a "professional writer" sometimes feels Pinocchio-like: I have an agent, but I don't have books on shelves yet. So I don't get to be a "real boy". At least, not while sitting up there with these people.
However, I tell myself, "These feelings will go away once I have an actual book on shelves", I sometimes think that won't be true. After all, I told myself before, "These feelings will go away once I have an agent".
Part of it, I think is, I have a strange habit of still feeling like a kid sitting at the grown-up table, especially in situations like this. It doesn't make much sense, given that I'm nearly 40-- and hell, some of the people on that panel are younger than me-- but on some level I still have a self-image of the clueless 23-year-old. The one who drove to Austin with a car full of possessions and a complete lack of plan of what he was going to do with himself.**
Now, when it comes to being a Writing Professional, I know part of that feeling comes from getting serious about Writing relatively late in the game. I would say it wasn't until 2007. Before that, I was mostly just saying I intended to Be A Writer, and despite some playwriting success, it was far more talking about What I Would Write rather than actual writing. So here I am-- almost 40, and not quite there yet.
But I am at the Grown-Up Table, so that's something.
*- This is what I'm going to be talking about for a the next few weeks. So just be prepared.
**- Given that, I think I did all right.