Dueling Query Letters!

This time around we have two variant query letters for the same project, courtesy of Amy Judd.  Let's see what we can do for her:

Version One:

Genieve Hart is about to grow up –but not in a way she expected.
              
Born one of the Marked, Genieve expected to learn about her gift in her home city-state. That was until a benefactor betrayed her to the Council. Wrongfully accused, Genieve faces incarceration or a fantastical escape with the help of sky pirates. Getting in contact with the Resistance was easy, as easy as falling face first into the middle of an uprising war. Haunted by strange dreams, and an all-knowing spirit Genieve begins to understand exactly what her Mark’s power is. In the meantime discovering who’s her friend and who’s her foe, but not before it’s too late.

Aleister Malakim is willing to sacrifice anything – or anyone to conquer the City-States.  Even if that means kidnapping, using his own Mark, or filling the atmosphere with falling air ship, all trying to cash-in on the bounty on Genieve’s head.  All he needs to make the Malakim Regime’s rise to power absolute is Genieve’s cooperation.

MECHANICS OF FATE is a Steampunk Fantasy novel, complete at 109,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,

Amy Judd

Version 2:

Dear Mr. Maresca,

Genieve Hart is about to grow up---but not in the way she expected.

Born one of the Marked, she expected to learn about her gift in her home city-state. That is until one of her supposed benefactors betrayed her unusual talents to the Council. Falsely accused of a terrible act, Genieve faces incarceration. She chooses instead to make an escape with the help of sky pirates. Getting in contact with the Resistance was easy, so easy that she fell face first into the middle of a civil war. As Genevieve is haunted by strange dreams and an All-Knowing Spirit, she becomes fully aware of her power designated by the Mark. Discovering who’s her friend and who’s her foe is important but it’s too late…

Aleister Malakim is willing to use anything or anyone to conquer the City-States even if that means kidnapping or using the power of his Mark. His ambition succeeds in filling the sky with air ships all trying to cash in on the excessive bounty on Genieve’s head.  What he needs to make the Malakim Regimes’ rise to power absolute is her cooperation.

Mechanics of Fate is a steampunk fantasy novel, complete at 109,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Amy Judd

In both cases, I think that first sentence is doing you more harm than good.  That sentence is almost a cliché, and even if your story is following that trope, announcing it right off the bat will probably shut more agents down.  Plus you should consider using that first space for a more personalized greeting of the agent in question.

FIRST PARAGRAPH (both versions) : I think you're trying to overpack a lot of concepts in here, that may go above an beyond what you ought to do in a query letter.  It's loaded with high-concept key words: Marked, gift, benefactor, sky pirates, Resistance, All-Knowing Spirit, etc.  It's a bit overwhelming.  Remember that you don't have to explain everything in the query.  However, while at the same time, there's a certain vagueness which can make the whole thing sound generic. 

Generic is the last thing you want. 

Case in point: "her city-state".  Does it have a name?  "Her gift", "her power".  Is this about magic, or something else?  "Resistance"-- who are they resisting, and why would Genieve find that useful?  Are they resisting "The Council", who are similarly vague in their nomenclature?  "A terrible act"-- what, exactly?  "All-knowing Spirit"-- what is that?

The second version is stronger-- "falsely accused" is a bit better than "wrongfully accused", for example (the former implies malignant intent, while the latter merely a mistake).  Same with "middle of a civil war". 

Also, "who’s her friend and who’s her foe" is a bulkier way of saying "who she can trust". 

SECOND PARAGRAPH- The way you've put this together, I'm getting the impression that you're going to be doing some sort of alternating-POV in this book: a chapter of Genieve,  a chapter of Aleister, and back to Genieve.  That's what I infer when I see two separate paragraphs about two different characters.  However, their stories are clearly intertwined, so you might consider dropping this format. 

In general, consider the merits of integrating the two paragraphs to represent the narrative flow a bit better. 

OVERALL:  I think the thing that's hurting this query letter the most is you're going for breadth over depth.  You hit a lot of elements in a generic way as opposed to a few in a specific way, and I think the latter will present a stronger hook.  From my read, these are the points you should focus on, as they represent the drive of the narrative:

• falsely accused
• escapes with sky pirates
• face-first into civil war
• price on her head
• haunted dreams
• who can she trust?

Hope this helps!

Anyone else have a query letter they want an opinion on?  Send it my way.

Analysis of a SF/F Query Letter

This week we have a brave soul who is willing to have his query letter given a public critique.  And there's a good lesson in here about the overall challenges genre writers face with queries.  It's kind of the same problem we have with first chapters.    Let's take a look.

---
First, here's the letter as I received it:

Dear Mr. Maresca,

I have chosen to submit to you due to your interest in fantasy and young adult novels. I am a frequent reader of your blog and appreciate all of your advice to aspiring writers.

In my novel Eliza of Edge, a teenage girl discovers that her world and her memory have been altered to remove all evidence of a younger brother, a boy who has grown to become the fanatical tyrant of a magical land.



Alone during a summer storm, Elizabeth finds her home under attack by mysterious assailants who disappear as quickly as they arrived. Things only get stranger when she stumbles into a room that shouldn't exist, the bedroom of a younger brother her world has been made to forget. Within this room hides a mysterious stranger named Grim, a traveler from a mystical land. He has come to seek help in defeating Silas the Pretender, the tyrant who rules over the land of Edge...the tyrant who was once Elizabeth's little brother. Eliza of Edge is the story of a girl who is forced to confront not only a powerful magical ruler, but her own forgotten adventures in a world where her name lives within legend.



Eliza of Edge is a 132,000-word novel of the young adult/fantasy genre. It is the first novel that I have written.



Thank you in advance for your time.



Sincerely,


Matthew Brown

 OK, Matt, the first thing that jumps out at me is how this is formatted, with a lot of extra lines between paragraphs.  It's a minor thing, easily fixable, but even a little thing like that, hitting the eye "wrong" can have a negative impact.  Of course, if the query letter really sells, something like that shouldn't matter.  That's not the same as doesn't, though.

Greeting and First Paragraph: This is pretty solid: it shows personalization, and he's researched enough into me (or rather, me-as-hypothetical-agent, but the premise stands) that I know he's not just blasting out to the world.  That was an especially good touch for this exercise-- keep that up for the actual queries.  My only real complaint here is "I have chosen to submit to you..." is a bit indirect.  Perhaps "I am submitting to you" or other phrase that hits with a straight line.

Second Paragraph: It strikes me this is giving me an overview of the book that you are essentially repeating in the third paragraph.  This is not a strong use of your limited space here, especially since the way you tell me in the third paragraph is far more dynamic.

Third Paragraph: Here's the real meat of the query.  The thing that has my attention is the twist on the "portal" story-- more on that in a moment-- in that the initial portal adventure already happened, and Elizabeth doesn't remember it.  Not only doesn't she remember, but there were real consequences to going.  Her brother stayed behind.  I really like that because it subverts one of the "rules" of portal stories: that the adventurers return home, with no tangible evidence of their journey.  Since that's impossible with him staying behind, "our" universe bends to accommodate, and hides that he ever existed.  This is a fantastic hook.

However, I don't think you're communicating it quite as efficiently as you could.  So, first off, kill the second paragraph as is-- you're giving away your big reveal a bit too soon-- and break the third into two.  The first paragraph should hit the set-up points: Strange attacks, fragments of memory, discovery of the "missing" room and Grim.  The second paragraph should be the reveal: Elizabeth going to Edge, hinting at her power and her legend... and that the tyrant she must defeat is the brother she can't remember.

Here's the things to keep in mind: "Portals happen", as I once heard an agent put quite succinctly.  So you don't have to overexplain it, as your target audience (an agent who reps fantasy) knows the tropes.  You can presume a certain degree of genre-savvy, and you don't have to front-load your query letter to pre-explain it.  I think this is the same sort of problem genre writers have in their opening chapters-- they approach their audience like an overcautious tour guide, making sure that everyone is clear about what's happening and what the rules are, rather than jumping in an trusting that your audience knows the sort of thing they are in for.  They know, and they (hopefully) want to see how you're going to play with it. 

Detail points:

• I'm not too keen on the repeated use of "her world" here.  It's a bit too twee for my taste. It's her memory and life, keep it more focused on how the removal of her brother affects her.
• Why is a "summer" storm relevant? It's not necessarily a bad detail, but you tell us that before you tell us Elizabeth's name, it gives that point heavy importance.  Something to think about.
• "Eliza of Edge is the story of a girl who..."  We already know it's a story about something.  Get rid of the extra couching terms, and tell it directly.  "Elizabeth is forced to confront..."

Final Paragraph: Succinct, no problems in how you wrote it.  Something that might concern you, though: 132,000 is, from what I understand, too long for Young Adult, by a large margin.  You might be getting passed over by agents who see that number and immediately reject.  Someone with more direct knowledge can correct me, but my understanding that the YA target length is 70-90K. I'm not sure how you'll want to address that.

Thanks for sharing, Matt!

Perils of the Writer: Query Letters

I brought up query letters last week as part of the whole Heinlein's Five Rules posts, so it's worth talking about them.

Query letters are evil.  I've never met a single writer who was all, "Yeah!  I get to write a query letter!"  It doesn't happen.  Query letters are, for all intents, the equivalent of trying to get a prom date at a high school with a 500:1 gender imbalance in your disfavor. Your goal is to get your intended paramour's attention while the other 499 of your competition are always screaming, and to have any chance, you must follow specific rules of courtly approach.

And they have to be succinct.  You want to tell the agent EVERYTHING.  But don't forget, the query is only the bait to get them to bite.  Your actual manuscript is where you reel them in.  

So, I've decided to extend my offer to read and critique query letters.  You've got one and you need another pair of eyes on it?  Send it this way.  If you are really bold, I'll critique it here on the blog. 

Simply send it to me at maresca at mrmaresca.com, with "Query" as the subject, and indicate whether you want a public or private critique.

Still not sure what a query letter should look like?  Here's a sample that, hopefully, will at least amuse you.

----
Dear ____,

Not Writing My Query Letter is a 90,000 word young adult novel. Since you are interested in procrastination, I thought it would appeal to you.

Holly Harris is a young girl with a dream: a finished novel that she wants to query to literary agents. If gets her foot in that door, she knows she'll hit the best seller lists.

But when the Query process begins to look like a looming horror of rejection and pain, writers block hits her hard. She hopes her boyfriend Jake can help her work it out, but he's always busy, and it seems that bad boy Eddie is always around with his thesaurus. Which boy will be the beta-reader of her heart?

Not Writing My Query Letter is a stand-alone novel, but I envision it as the first in a series of several books. I'd be happy to send a complete copy of the manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
---

Heinlein's Fourth Rule

Continuing the discussion of Heinlein's Rules of Successful writing (First, Second and Third rules.)

So, now you've written something, you've finished it, and you've stopped fiddling with it.  This can only mean it's time for one thing:

RULE #4: YOU MUST PUT THE WORK ON THE MARKET.

This rule ties into the third rule a lot.  Because when it comes down to it, you've got to push the baby bird out of the nest and see if it's going to fly.

Because everything you've done up until this point is darn we'll useless if you don't.  They aren't going to beat a path to your door to see if you've concocted some brilliance that they might want to publish.

This includes the ever painful act of querying an agent, which may be the most dreaded act a writer has to face.  But let me tell you, querying in and of itself is pretty easy.  It may almost be too easy.  It's so easy that many agents receive over 500 queries a week.  However, a good portion of those queries are more or less the equivalent of shouting baboons hurling their feces at an agent.  So you've got to work extra hard to make your query be the thing that can be noticed above the din of baboon screeches and feces.  There are only two steps to accomplish that:

1. Follow the submission guidelines.
2. Write a brilliant query.

Step one is very, very easy if you just pay a modicum of attention.  Do not get lazy or sloppy with it.  Every time.  Or you might send a query addressed to "Dear ".

Step two is harder, I won't deny it.  Research query letters.  Polish the hell out of it.  This is the calling card for your novel, and you need to make it as strong as possible, clean and concise.

Concise is a big thing.  I've had the opportunity to read many query letters, and many times I see-- especially with genre-- writers who want to explain EVERYTHING in the query.  It really isn't necessary.   You want to entice the agent to read the book, not summarize it. 

Also: avoid negativity.  Especially in regards to a. the genre you're querying and b. other writers in that genre.  Apparently this sort of denigration ("Sci-fi is stupid, so I wrote a better sci-fi novel which will blow everyone away.") is common. 

So: LIMITED TIME OFFER.  Want to test the waters on your query letter?  Send it to me at maresca at mrmaresca.com.  I'll give you my take on it, either privately or publicly (aka, here on this blog).

DFW Writer Con Report

So, this past weekend I went to DFW Writer Con.  It was my first time at this con, and my first time at this type of con, where there are a lot of agents and pitch sessions with the agents.  There is a con of that nature in Austin every year, but it has always been sparse when it comes to agents who represent Fantasy.  DFW Con had a wealth of such agents, so I felt it was time to take the chance.  I figured it would be, at the very least, a learning experience, even if what I learned was, "Don't do that again."

I'm happy to say that wasn't what I learned, and the experience was well worth it.


First of all, it was somewhat refreshing to be at an event where everyone is a writer, but being a fantasy and sci-fi writer was an uncommon minority.  I think sometimes I can get a bit tunnel-visioned-- pretty much all the professional writers I know are genre-writers, so it was cool to meet people who write radically different things than me.  Especially non-fiction stuff that I wouldn't even THINK of.  I witnessed one impromptu pitch of a non-fiction idea that caused the agent in question to almost squeal, "I need that book myself!  Send it to me!"  And it was a brilliant idea, but it was something that I would never think of.  That kind of wide-net exposure was fun. 

Plus when I said I write fantasy, I'd often get the excited, "That's what I read, but not what I write" response.  That felt good.

(It does help that I've beaten out my old attitude of saying, "I write fantasy and sci-fi" with an almost shameful, half-apologetic tone.  I wear my genre brand with pride now.)

I went to some good workshops on structure and character, which were very helpful.  I also adored Kristen Lamb's discussions on using social media, blogging and platform building, and how important it is for authors today.  I was pleased to find out I hadn't fallen into many of the common mistakes she noted.  Admittedly, that was partly out of inaction.  But you should all check her out.

One of the best panels was the "Query Gong Show", in which queries were (anonymously) read out loud, and the panel of agents would hit the gong whenever they would stop reading said query, and then talk about why they would.  Really funny, and really educational.  I couldn't do justice to summing up everything that happened at the Query Gong Show. Fortunately, Roni Loren has already done a fantastic job.  Check it out.


All in all, a great weekend, and I heartily recommend it.

I'm not sure who's Teddy Roosevelt in this metaphor.

It is said that a school of piranha can skeletonize a cow in minutes.  This bit of trivia is apparently based on something of a deception-- some South American officials had intentionally starved a school of piranha so they would be in an eating frenzy when they threw the cow in, all as a ploy to impress Teddy Roosevelt-- but it is technically true.

Authors querying agents are trying to impress said agents, but given the market out there, they start to feel like those starved piranha.  And I can see how for the agents, they can feel a lot less like Teddy Roosevelt, and more like the cow.

While we, the querying authors, don't really see the level of electronic assault I'm sure most authors get, one easy way to get a sense of it is to look at Nathan Bransford's blog today.  To celebrate his 1000th post, he offered a query + 5 page critique to the 1000th comment on the post.  Nathan is probably one of the bigger agents out there in the agenting-blogosphere, so this offer was widely read and amongst the querying, a highly coveted prize.

How coveted?  Said 1000 posts took less than two hours.  The last 250 posts of that thousand? Six minutes.   And that's probably not even counting the attempts (like myself-- I'm not claiming I'm any different) that tried to post in that window and got hit with some sort of server-crashing error.

What's my point?  I'm not completely sure, other than while it really sucks to be one of a swarm of hungry fish... it's important to remember that it's pretty tough on the cow, too.

Querying etiquette?

So today I attended a writing seminar, or at least part of it... namely the section on "getting your work out to other people", and naturally a part of that was talking about agents.

A question came up about sending to multiple agents, and the response was in no uncertain terms, NO.  We were told that sending to multiple agents was a huge faux pas, not to be done, a mark of unprofessionalism, etc., etc.

Now, this didn't sound right to me, but I held my tongue.

So I put it out here: unless an agent asks for exclusivity, they don't expect it, right?   A query isn't a commitment, it's... just a query.  You can send them out to five or ten or a hundred agents at once (smartly, of course... no "Dear Insert Agent Name Here"), and it's not a big deal.

Or am I wrong?  I'm perfectly willing to admit I could be.  I'd love some insight here.

Querying in the summertime?

Is July typically a month in which agents take vacation?

I just send out another round of queries last week, and, oddly, I haven't heard any responses yet.  I mean, many agents take several weeks to respond, of course, that's normal.  But typically, in any batch of ten or so, there are a couple who turn it around in 48 hours, though usually with a rejection.

Not that I'm in a big hurry to get rejections, mind you.

Of the queries I have out there, there are three who are currently closed to new queries; a planned, temporary closure from July to September in all three cases.  I find this fascinating.  Is summer the unusually heavy time for querying?  Or is it that three months of closure is necessary to be able to take a mere two weeks of vacation?

Querying what you don't believe in

Found today on Twitter, from @Ginger_Clark with the #pubtip hashtag:

People, don't start your query disparaging science fiction to me. I will have to cut you for it. #pubtip


I find this fascinating.  I mean, I get that some people will write a novel out of cynicism; writing in a genre out of a belief that it's what sells, rather than the genre being a passion that drives the writer.  I don't do that, but I get it, that belief that if you want to sell, you have to write what's selling.  But to not only take that to the point of believing, "What sells is this genre crap, so I wrote genre crap"-- i.e., not really believing in your work, but to actually ADMIT that as a selling point to an agent who states outright that they ENJOY that genre?  Now that's just dumb.  And if you're going to be cynical AND dumb, I can't see you going far in this world.

Querying strategy...

There's all sorts of advice out there about querying, but one thing I wonder that I don't see much talking about: when is the best time during the week to send queries?

I have an idea that it might be Tuesday or Wednesday.  The way I see it, agents probably get a ton of queries over the weekend, and thus Monday morning they have a heavily laden inbox.  By Thursday or Friday they've probably built up a backlog of things to do that they have to before the weekend, and thus would have to spend less time on queries.  Tuesday and Wednesday gives one the best opportunity to not be lost in the shuffle.

Of course, it may just be that it's just a constant barrage of queries, and no day is any better than any other.  But it's a theory.

A plea to other aspiring authors

Dear Aspiring Authors,

We're all in a tough boat here, I know. This is a game of persistence, talent, hard work and not a small amount of luck. We are all trying the best we can to get ourselves out there, and I firmly believe that this is not a zero-sum game. The potential success of my book, I hope, does not take away someone else's potential success.

That said, I was sadly disappointed to read the following in agent Jennifer Jackson's blog:

I have noticed more people are querying:

* Without having a finished and polished manuscript to show
* Before doing sufficient research into what the agent handles or explicitly is not interested in seeing
* Not even remotely following guidelines and supplying the information an agent needs to make an assessment

Why are people doing this? Querying this way is breathtakingly stupid.

So, please, if you are one of these people, I have this to say to you:

CUT IT OUT!

All you are doing is pouring bacon grease down the drain. You make it harder for all of us by clogging up the system, wasting agents' time, and making more and more of them decide to close to submissions.

It's this last one that really hurts all of us.

Let me tell you all a story. When I was in college I had a problem with one of my classes, and wanted to talk to the professor about resolving it. Unfortunately, right before I spoke to him, another student with a similar problem thought the best way to deal with it was to scream and swear and pitch a red-faced fit. When I had a chance to talk with the man, he was already in such a state over the fool in front of me, he had no interest in listening to me. I was lumped in with the rest. The fact that I was trying to do things correctly and politely and find a mutual solution didn't matter. Fortunately, I was persistent and went back a week later, and with the professor in a calmer state, he was willing to work with me.

Please, fellow aspiring authors, stop being that guy. Stop breaking the system for the rest of us.

Series and Standalone

I put up my query letter for Thorn of Dentonhill on the Absolute Write message boards, as I was told they would "tear it up and break it down and make it as good as you can get it". Always something I could use more help with, but with all things, you have to be aware of who you're getting advice from. All advice needs to be taken with a grain of salt.

However, this one bit jumped out at me. In my query letter I have the following:

The Thorn of Dentonhill is a stand-alone novel, but I envision it as the first in a series of several books.

That sentence I got from the fabulous Julie Kenner, and it struck me as a sound and reasonable thing to say. However, someone told me to cut it, saying:

Mentioning it could be a series for a first time writer is taboo. I had this tendency beaten out of me very quick.

I'm not sure what the source is for this "taboo". I've never heard of it before. Also it doesn't make sense. Why would an agent not want to know that you have more potential books in you? I mean, yes, the point is selling the singular book that you currently are shopping... but I would think if an agent is going to consider taking you on, they would want to know if you are aiming to be next Stephen King or the next Harper Lee.

Now, in the fantasy and sci-fi genres, the nature of series have changed. Gone, I think, are series like Lord of the Rings or The Belgariad, where multiple books really just tell one big story. At least, from a new author. That, I could see agents and publishers aren't interested in seeing. After all, with one of those you're asking a publisher to commit to three (or five) books that would all have to be published for the first one to make sense. Risky venture.

However, a standalone book that CAN be a series is a different matter. There, you aren't committing your potential agent or editor to doing more. But you are letting them know that more is there, if they want it. That, I'd imagine, is a selling point.